T H E    B E S T    M O V I E    E V E R ! ! !

"Prepare for GLORY!!!" As of this weekend, the torch has been passed! The baddest-a$s movie, hell, the best movie ever has to be

I can barely begin to imagine how to describe this... Imagine if Starship Troopers got together with Reign of Fire, and Batman Begins, and RoboCop (1 & 2), Terminator (1 & 2, and they told 3 where to meet them, but it was really the wrong place 'cause they didn't really like 3), and they all decided to add up their kewlness against 300... Now picture 300 showing up w/ all 300 badass Spartans with their shields, spears, and krazy-ass swords. This would be the new Ultimate Showdown! I'll sum it up for you:

Johnny Rico pulls Christian Bale and Mathew McConaughey aside and says their going to use their tactical advantage to wage a frontal assault against the Spartans where they run up and scream, "Kill them all!!" After McConaughey punches him in the face, he says that they should all climb up a tower and jump onto the Spartan king and cleave him w/ a badass axe. While they bitch back and forth at each other, RoboCop pulls the T100 and the T1000 aside and says that they can't arrest the Spartans until they break a law. The T100[0] both, instantaneously stab their fists into RoboCop's chest and crush his pansy-assed heart. Bruce Lee, the Rock, Vin Diesel, and John McClane all line up to replace the dead RoboCop, but it's too late, the Spartans are impatient.

Johnny Rico's rifle wouldn't be able to pierce the Spartans' diesel abs, so he'd empty his clip, and a second-stringer-Spartan would leap over the battle line and stab him in the eye w/ his spear... His girlfriend (Dizzy) would cry until the Spartan Queen just kicked the living shit out of her. Christian Bale would be too busy doing double duty as Batman and Dragon-fighter to notice that the Spartan ranks just pushed his ass off a cliff. McConaughey would pull out his gi'normous axe and then notice that all of the Spartans were way more jacked than him and then he'd run back to the gym to cry and try to get as diesel as the Spartans were when they were 13. While this is going on, Bruce Lee, the Rock, Vin Diesel, and John McClane all slowly sneak away after they realize their ass would be grass in there. The Terminators always were too dumb to know what was good for them so they try to grab and shoot the Spartans, but the Spartans are just so damned badass that the bullets (still) can't penetrate their abs, and the Spartan king punches his fist through the T100's face. When the T1000 sees this, he shape-shifts into a Spartan, but the king skewers his ass w/ his spear and hangs him over a fire, roasts him, and then eats his ass whole!

This movie was just so badass, I have to recommend you don't eat for like an hour before or after because it'll make you want to go to the gym and bench-press a mutant hunchback and stab him in the face with a dumbbell. I found myself thinking (afterwards), "Were the Spartans even 1/1000th as kewl as this?" I think anyone who's got a little Spartan in them should wear a friggin' cape and fly around saving chicks from fires and shit.

As if the Spartans weren't just badass enough, the Persians were awesome Spartan-fodder. They had a turn-coat hunchback, a giant mutant badass that actually lasted for a couple of seconds against the Spartan king, a trans-sexual king (Xerxes), a praying mantis-executioner dude that was hilarious, and a whole army of dudes that read the Cobra playbook and filed their friggin' teeth to points just so the Spartans could have a reason to kill them last!

I suggest a lot of red meat before the movie, and a lot of raw red meat after! You're going to want to put a toga on and find some losers to impale with your spear... This'll be totally normal, so don't be afraid. Just calm down and remember this, the Spartans already mopped shit up and you just need to remember that we're all just girly-men compared to them... sorry.

Anyway, after the Sparatans get done wiping the floor with all of the former "best movie ever" heroes, they have a Starwars-like ceremony where the 300 Spartans all walk down an isle lined with the former title holders and at the end of the isle, Tricia Helfer, Halle Berry, and Milla Jovovich put meddals around all of their necks and then get eaten by the Spartan queen (she was pretty hardcore too).

Now go see this movie! I'm seeing it again, later this week!

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 08:48:51 PDT

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