CryptoKids: Let's Have Your Lunch Money!

You know, I don't have any kids, and while I still manage to get to sleep at night despite this, I'd like to think that IF I had a kid she/he would NOT get ahold of the

LOL... Obviously I must be kidding, right? I mean, how could we imagine an America without CryptoKids there to train other kids in their classes how to be tough and capable? If I had been a CryptoKid, I would take solace in knowing that everyone who ever beat me up was likely to go on to be a real man (or woman) and that I might have helped them hone their own skills and to focus on how to be kewl. Hell, I'll bet the Spartans from 300 either did have, or should have had AbacusKids to kick around. Maybe that's who King Leonidas was beating the hell out of as kid during that weird right-of-passage where they either chisel the kids out of stone, or let them get eaten by crazy-assed demon wolves. Or do you think maybe those nasty-assed festering priests at the top of that mountain were the OracleKids of Ancient Sparta? Damn... If that doesn't just make you wanna pull your kid outta school and make sure he/she knows better?

I wonder how many terrorists look at the CryptoClowns web page and think, "Wow, we're in trouble now... Maybe we should think about picking on England instead..." Good job NSA! I suppose recruiting young ciphers that have no ability to make friends will help when someone joins the NSA and isn't allowed to make any connections outside the farm, huh? ;)

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 11:47:36 PDT

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T H E    B E S T    M O V I E    E V E R ! ! !

"Prepare for GLORY!!!" As of this weekend, the torch has been passed! The baddest-a$s movie, hell, the best movie ever has to be

I can barely begin to imagine how to describe this... Imagine if Starship Troopers got together with Reign of Fire, and Batman Begins, and RoboCop (1 & 2), Terminator (1 & 2, and they told 3 where to meet them, but it was really the wrong place 'cause they didn't really like 3), and they all decided to add up their kewlness against 300... Now picture 300 showing up w/ all 300 badass Spartans with their shields, spears, and krazy-ass swords. This would be the new Ultimate Showdown! I'll sum it up for you:

Johnny Rico pulls Christian Bale and Mathew McConaughey aside and says their going to use their tactical advantage to wage a frontal assault against the Spartans where they run up and scream, "Kill them all!!" After McConaughey punches him in the face, he says that they should all climb up a tower and jump onto the Spartan king and cleave him w/ a badass axe. While they bitch back and forth at each other, RoboCop pulls the T100 and the T1000 aside and says that they can't arrest the Spartans until they break a law. The T100[0] both, instantaneously stab their fists into RoboCop's chest and crush his pansy-assed heart. Bruce Lee, the Rock, Vin Diesel, and John McClane all line up to replace the dead RoboCop, but it's too late, the Spartans are impatient.

Johnny Rico's rifle wouldn't be able to pierce the Spartans' diesel abs, so he'd empty his clip, and a second-stringer-Spartan would leap over the battle line and stab him in the eye w/ his spear... His girlfriend (Dizzy) would cry until the Spartan Queen just kicked the living shit out of her. Christian Bale would be too busy doing double duty as Batman and Dragon-fighter to notice that the Spartan ranks just pushed his ass off a cliff. McConaughey would pull out his gi'normous axe and then notice that all of the Spartans were way more jacked than him and then he'd run back to the gym to cry and try to get as diesel as the Spartans were when they were 13. While this is going on, Bruce Lee, the Rock, Vin Diesel, and John McClane all slowly sneak away after they realize their ass would be grass in there. The Terminators always were too dumb to know what was good for them so they try to grab and shoot the Spartans, but the Spartans are just so damned badass that the bullets (still) can't penetrate their abs, and the Spartan king punches his fist through the T100's face. When the T1000 sees this, he shape-shifts into a Spartan, but the king skewers his ass w/ his spear and hangs him over a fire, roasts him, and then eats his ass whole!

This movie was just so badass, I have to recommend you don't eat for like an hour before or after because it'll make you want to go to the gym and bench-press a mutant hunchback and stab him in the face with a dumbbell. I found myself thinking (afterwards), "Were the Spartans even 1/1000th as kewl as this?" I think anyone who's got a little Spartan in them should wear a friggin' cape and fly around saving chicks from fires and shit.

As if the Spartans weren't just badass enough, the Persians were awesome Spartan-fodder. They had a turn-coat hunchback, a giant mutant badass that actually lasted for a couple of seconds against the Spartan king, a trans-sexual king (Xerxes), a praying mantis-executioner dude that was hilarious, and a whole army of dudes that read the Cobra playbook and filed their friggin' teeth to points just so the Spartans could have a reason to kill them last!

I suggest a lot of red meat before the movie, and a lot of raw red meat after! You're going to want to put a toga on and find some losers to impale with your spear... This'll be totally normal, so don't be afraid. Just calm down and remember this, the Spartans already mopped shit up and you just need to remember that we're all just girly-men compared to them... sorry.

Anyway, after the Sparatans get done wiping the floor with all of the former "best movie ever" heroes, they have a Starwars-like ceremony where the 300 Spartans all walk down an isle lined with the former title holders and at the end of the isle, Tricia Helfer, Halle Berry, and Milla Jovovich put meddals around all of their necks and then get eaten by the Spartan queen (she was pretty hardcore too).

Now go see this movie! I'm seeing it again, later this week!

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 08:48:51 PDT

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Et Tu BSG?

I can't believe this is happening...

Now, however, things are looking grim. For those that have been missing out on the absolute best thing on TV, here's BSG in a nutshell (I really should devote some serious time to describing it properly, but that would take a book and overly long blog posts are against my religion):
BSG starts off with a set of 12 planetary systems that live in some sort of advanced technological state (they have spaceships and stuff) whose religion centers around a set of Gods and prophecies (sort of like ancient Greek/Norse/Roman mythologies). These "colonies" are reaping the benefits of a 40-year peace accord with the Cylons. The Cylons were AI machines that the colonies invented to do menial labor and serve humanity. They held an uprising and started a war (40 years ago). After an armistice was reached, the Cylons took off to a home world of their own and cut off all contact. In the really kewl miniseries pilot, the Cylons emerge after having infiltrated and crippled the colonies' defense system and launch a sneak-attack that destroys, essentially, all of humanity. After reemerging, it seems that the Cylons have found their own religion based on a single supreme being and, to be honest, BSG wastes most of season 2 beating us over the head w/ lame religious overtones as these 2 religions don't exactly jive w/ each other.

The attack leaves a bunch of people stuck in in-flight transports and fleeing all of the cities that have been nuked. Battlestar Galactica is an aging warship that was about to be decommissioned. In the original, it was something like the flagship, and this was a nice twist in the retelling. The commander of BSG (Bill Adama) tries to get his ship into the fight but is convinced at the last minute that since the entire fleet has been destroyed in the sneak attack, he should shepherd the remaining colonists to safety, since humanity faces extinction.

In this retelling there are a lot of gender reassignments, and they actually (imho) work out just fine. Boomer is not only a woman, but a Cylon double agent too. This sounds tough to swallow, but Boomer in the original was kind of a fringe character, and a complete tool. The new Boomer is also a serious hottie (#2 most smokin' on the show). Starbuck was (and is) the best fighter jock they have. In the new version, Starbuck has gone from a he to a she. It works though (imho) because she's pretty hard core. The new show pays homage to the old in many ways, and one is that the old Cylons and their ships (raiders and basestars) are shown as relics from the first war. The Cylons' big advent is that they are now controlled by versions that look very human. How human? Well, I mentioned that Boomer is really a Cylon (no one picked up on that as she was growing up apparently), and another Cylon is the hottest chick on the show. Tricia Helfer... OMG, that woman is smokin' and she's a toaster. *shrug*

OK, so this show has been kickin' ass with kewl plots (although more viper fighting would be nice), and special effects that are so good that they basically blend in and you forget that they're not real.
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Now the rub... This week, they killed Starbuck! They KILLED STARBUCK?!?!? What the hell? Her character has been in a downward spiral, and that's been entertaining, but she dove her fighter into a planet because she was ready to die? Come on! This is messed up. Now the writers are taking liberties that I don't think they should! I mean, come on! She was supposed to represent that hardcore badassness of humans vs. toasters.

This really pissed me off, and I feel like BSG may have just tanked. I think anyone who's with me ought to drop a note, and we'll send this up the chain to the douche bag writers. BSG doesn't need Starbuck, but turfing her like that his just BS (no G). I've seen some forums talking about this, and others seem more optimistic than I am. I'll be especially pissed off if it turns out that Starbuck is one of the final-five Cylons. That would mean that her character (previously the bastion of human badassness) was really just a toaster, and the number of badass viper pilots that are human would be either 1 or 0 (depending on whether you think Apollo is badass or a pantie waste)...
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*sigh* I used to look forward to BSG every week... :( Does anyone have a spin on this that makes it feel less shitty?

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 12:18:58 PST

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UFC 68: Best Ever

This last Saturday, the

The UFC started in the 90's as a "Let's see whose martial art is really the best" tournament. In fact it wasn't long before it was obvious that this was the loser Gracie family stacking the brackets to promote themselves as unbeatable... Anyway, I watched the first several until I lost my lunch and then stopped. In recent years, it was actually bought by people who let it take its own shape, and the World discovered "Mixed Martial Arts" (MMA). Now people train to be absolute badasses (just like Sergeant Apone would have wanted).

Now, to modern times: the absolute toughest of the UFC (limited to the last few years) have been (in no particular order): Matt Hughes, Randy "the Natural" Couture, Chuck "Ice douche" Liddell, Tito Ortiz, Rich "Ace" Franklin, George "Frenchie" St. Pierre. There are other dudes that are really tough, but these are the top, and you can see, I'm not a fan of all of them. ;) So, Matt Hughes recently lost to Frenchie, because he tried to pretend he was a striker (when he's really just the 2nd most badass grappler in the UFC), Rich Franklin lost to a new dude who is more than just a striker, but also a boxer (tough draw Rich), and Randy Couture lost 2 of the last 3 encounters w/ Liddell (who's the current champ) and then promptly retired... All of this left the UFC looking pretty bleak. :(

Enter UFC 68 (this last weekend). In one night, Couture came out of retirement, bumped up a weight class and challenged for the title, Matt Hughes reemerged from his loss w/ a renewed respect for his own badassness in grappling, and Rich Franklin decided to beat someone senseless on his way back to the title too! This was awesome!

So, Hughes smacked up this tool from the Ultimate Fighter. He looked like he had a little bit of ring-rust as he missed an arm bar at one point, but that was nuthin'. This guy's awesome!

Franklin' pounded this weird little canuck who nicknamed himself, "the Athlete." LOL, he deserved a beating for choosing that lame-ass name, and Franklin' dished him one. :)

Then, for the main event... Couture (one of my absolute favorites of all time), a 44 year old chunk of granite, put an absolute BEATING on this big, fat, slow, lame, unathletic, loser, Tim "the Lame-iac" Sylvia. Sylvia got the belt by using his 6'8" lumbering, fat, oafishness to confound real fighters. There's an old adage from basketball, "You can't coach 7 feet." Well, that worked for Timmy until last night when he met a real fighter. Couture set the tempo immediately, but doing a low kick-left-right combination that was so beautiful, I could barely believe it... And Couture is a friggin' wrestler no less. He knocked Sylvia's block off and then Couture just punished him. It was beautiful. At the end, it was just amazing, and Couture said the kewlest damn thing I've ever heard after someone takes the belt, "Not bad for an old man." Amen brother!

This is the longest blahdot entry so far, but the UFC was that awesome!

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 11:10:37 PST

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The Oscars Happened Last Night...

Yawn... Who cares.

About the only pop-culture I really follow comes to me via The Soup. But while I'm on the subject, The Soup is off the hook funny. If anyone out there hasn't watched, you have to see it. I really couldn't care less about celeb's and their lives, but The Soup is so damned good at mocking them that I look forward to watching it every Saturday morning. :-P Here's the Wikipedia page

Anyway, back to my rant... Naturally, I found lots of other things to do/watch last night instead of the stupid academy awards *cough* BSG *cough*. But luckily CNN spent the morning bombarding me w/ what happened... I'm so glad there isn't anything interesting happening anywhere in the World that might preempt my Oscar coverage.

OK, so Scorsese finally won a "gimme," for his piece of carp the "DepTarded." That movie may have been based on a diesel Hong Kong flick (which I haven't seen), but the adaptation blew chunks. At the end, everyone just started off'ing each other, in a hail of stupidity? *sigh* Well, apparently that piece of carp got best picture too... Is it possible that the judges vote w/o looking at the carp they're voting for? Maybe they take stupid pills first? Oh, maybe Lunesta?!?

Anyway, Pan's Labyrinth won, and I have to say that was good. That movie rocked. Crazy outta control symbolism, giant frogs, some dude's lip getting cut open... All I can say is: DAMN, go see that movie!

Also, it was good that Forest Whitaker won for his amazingly scary portrayal of Idi Amin (the crazy-ass Ugandan cannibal psychopath). That dude can act! Congrats Ghost Dog, apparently horrible choices can be redeemed. :-P

There's more I could say about the Oscars (which I was force fed this morning by CNN), but as I started to say at the beginning of this rant: "Yawn..."

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 11:32:33 PST

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24, I Weep For Thee :(

Jack's wacky evil bizzaro family hijinks are just getting out of control. I hate to say it, but I'm starting to waver in my determination to keep up with the series. Last week, Jack's crazy sociopathic father decided to release his own grandson as a hostage so that he could take Jack instead and execute him. Yeah yeah, obviously he's supposed to be a "bad father" but come on! Now, given that we are lead to believe that poppa-Jack is so unbelievably heartless that he'd off his entire lineage... He relents and lets Jack go because Jack puts on a skirt and APOLOGIZES for basically running away from home?!?!?!

No, No, Noooooooooooo....

What happened to the good ole' start to this season when we all wondered aloud, "is Jack Bauer a Vampire?" Of course I'm talking about the Count Jackula scenes when he bit a chunk out of a terrorist's neck. I actually had a query for pix of this... Well, backed by popular (i.e. 1) demand, here it is; Count Jackula in action:

Enjoy. :)

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 15:54:58 PST

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Anna Nicole: Not Newsworthy!

Enough is ENOUGH, I'm tired of mutha F*%$!in' Anna Nicole on my mutha F*%$!in' news! (Samuel L. is the man!)

OK, it's been over a week, she's dead. Some call this tragic news, other say its tragic that this is considered news. I say ENOUGH! This woman was a cretin, she was gross, and she seemed to labor under the delusion that she could be sexy while stoned out of her GOURD! She spent the last several years trying to re-garner the spot light that she lost after derailing herself and basically showing her true colors by being, "outrageous" (read: pathetic). She seemed to always be trying to pass herself off as a new Marilyn Monroe, and that really typifies her delusional state. Marilyn and her may have shared the same sad fate, but Marilyn (though a bit before my time) was actually sexy, Anna Nicole just had sex with so many pathetic losers that no one even knows who fathered her latest litter! This is not the same thing!

Lemme just say this, she was gross. She was about as stupid as they come, I feel sorry for her son because: he had to grow up with a self-obsessed/imbecilic/narcissist for a mother, and then died at a really tragic age. Her daughter has been spared that, but she's still stuck with them stupid genes. Sorry Bobby-Lynn (sp?). LOL... Bobby Lynn...

At any rate, it's just ridiculous that this is still "breaking news" on CNN. I'm serious, this morning her will was breaking news! She's a dead has-been/never-was idiot! Stop beating this dead horse... er... hippopotamus? I dunno.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 12:24:22 PST

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V-Day Sux!

Valentines Day Sux!

In the immortal words of Bill Murray:

"They used to pull the hog out, and they used to eat it... You're hypocrites!"

That is all.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 13:54:25 PST

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Come On 24!

You know, the world that Jack Bauer lives in is just pretty damn scary. Not only does he have to contend with crazy jihad terrorists that smuggle nukes into the country and blow them up semi-routinely, he also fights nerve gas, and crazy political officials trying to kill him, and who barter him with crazy foreign fundamentalists. Well, this week we saw more of how the writers of 24 are losing their grip.

OK, we've previously talked about how Jack's crazy family is full of evil, double crosses, love triangles, and is the clear root of Jack's badass disposition. Well, his Dad has continued to morph from benevolent father figure to secret bizzaro-bad guy. His latest evolution... *drum roll please*: crazy "Filicidal" and "Grand-Filicidal" madman. Before you bother google'ing that, it means he killed his son/possibly grandson. LOL... He's taken his own grandson hostage. Wow, ya think they want us to consider him a bad guy? :-P

I wonder what those writing sessions are like for the 24 writers. You think they have some kind of weird dartboard that has plot twists arrayed around the edges and every time they get stuck they just use a dart to get the next plot twist? I picture something like:

Things are getting out of control again this season, but to be clear, Jack is still the man!

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 12:33:27 PST

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We Loves Our Preciouses

Anyone who's read my blog (or knows me a little) knows that I dig Macs. Well, I just recognize the mad skillz, see? Well, I just caught the latest Mac ad on YouTube:

Now someone please tell me why this ISN'T funny just because it's true... Dat's what I thought!

I'm waitin' for your hate mail! :-P

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 13:59:33 PST

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So That's Where He Gets It!

Last night was a so so night for our man Jack and his show, 24. We're still on "shark watch," but I can't say we've jumped. We're still chasing nukes, and the 24 writing staff doesn't seem to think that this theme (of nukes getting smuggled in and detonated on US soil) is at all overplayed at this point.

No, the news from last night is that we are beginning to understand where Jack gets his steely edge from. We were being led to believe that last season's evil mastermind was really Jack's own brother, Graem. With the further introduction of Jack's father we were left to conclude that Jack came from a family of retards (his parents couldn't even figure out how to spell Graham), and evil sibling rivalry. As of last night, this clearly isn't the case. Now it's clear that Jack got his grit straight from the old man. His father off'ed his own son (not Jack) by torturing him to death, AND in a totally lame turn of events, Jack's father is really the evil mastermind from last season...

Let me think about this for a second... Have we jumped the shark? Is it cool that poppa Jack off'ed is own son, or is it just too lame that Jack's father is now the real bad guy? *sigh* Anyone have any thoughts? I got nothin' here...

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 14:49:44 PST

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That's Just Gross-Man

Dude, I heard all the trash people were talking about Rex Gross-Man (spelling is on purpose) before the game. I kept thinking, "Get off his case..." He really didn't seem that bad to me. Well, consider me wrong about that. He was terrible.

I think Lovie Smith needs to have his friggin' head examined. I just don't understand why Rex didn't get pulled. At one point he hydroplaned backwards from the line of scrimmage (for a major loss), and then did it again the next play!!! Lovie Lovie Lovie, at some point you need to think to yourself, "Maybe something's not working in the quarterback department..." No?

I just want to note that I am not a Bears fan (nor am I a Colts fan). I'm a Broncos fan all the way.

The game was really lively, and the rain made it pretty nuts, but Chicago needs to consider bringing out the gallows and ridding themselves of their lame-ass QB... Or maybe you have a better idea?

PS - Peyton was OK, but not an MVP, that was BS too... Now you can send all the hate-mail you like. :-P

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 17:38:39 PST

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Can HeadOn be Allowed to Live?

You know, I never did get around to publicly chiding HeadOn for being so damned irritating. I had such great things to say like, "I'll never use this damn product because the commercials are so irritating," "What kind of idiot thinks a marketing campaign that annoys everyone is good for business," "What is the address of your corporate head quarters so I can send Jack Bauer over there and tell him that you buttholes know where the terrorists' nukes are," etc...

Now the cowards have started their latest irritating ad campaign that makes fun of how irritating their old campaign was. 3 very sad people (well, the blond is cute) mock HeadOn's old commercial, but then extol the product. Nice try, losers! I don't care how good you think your product is, you can't cause a headache with an irritating commercial, then cure it, and then want people to thank you. I'm on to you, and I wont rest until you're out of business! Well, or until I get distracted by... What was I blogging about... Whatever, you suck HeadOn!

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 10:11:20 PST

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No More Magic Mountain?!?!

I forgot to mention.... 24 is back!!! Yeah, it's great. Jack is back and he's already torn the throat out of a terrorist. It was pretty grizzly, but I could just feel how much safer he made us all by doing it. :)

Unfortunately though, he wasn't able to get to the latest nuke that terrorists had smuggled into the country (again). Yeah, those bastards blew up Valencia! Noooo... Now we southern Californians have lost Six Flags - Magic Mountain. :( I used to love that place, and now it's been irradiated. Now does everyone see why terrorism is bad, umkay?

The season is starting off pretty well, but it's not headed in a good direction... Terrorist-neck biting, massively disfigured hands from being tortured for a year (yeah, Jack's hand is busted), etc... All very good. However, this week we saw that last season's evil mastermind is Jack's brother Graem (and now he's back), Jack's brother's wife has the hots for Jack (love triangle), Jack's father may be in bed with the terrorists, and (if I'm not mistaken) the writers must be talking to the producers of Striking Distance, in which it turned out everyone in Pittsburgh's law enforcement, criminal, and firefighting communities were related...

Please don't jump the shark 24, we need you!

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 09:54:55 PST

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Spring Comes to TV

Well, it seems like TV is slowly coming back to life... Sort of like a spring thaw, right? Some of the great shows that took their annoying mid-season naps are back (or almost back).

The best dammed show on TV (BSG) just started up again, 24 brought Jack Bauer back (but I am really worried about some jumping, and a shark), Lost MAY return... someday... etc.

On the flip side, some of the stand-ins that they wheeled out to keep us from revolting and moving on to thinks like... books... have met with varied success. I hear that Jericho got picked up. I thought that one had potential (some little turd turns out to be a hardcore post-apocalyptic hardass... well, and some lame small town douche bags), so it's OK. Day Broke is, apparently, gone. Sorry Taye. That show was like Groundhog Day's older brother that went off to serve in the Marines and then came home with a serious edge... and it had some chick named "Moon Bloodgood"... lol, I love that name... Well, see ya Day Broke, you never got a chance to jump the shark. :(

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 09:31:33 PST

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