Your Boyfriend Has A Zombie Plan

I just got around to seeing that movie, 28 weeks later and I took a number of lessons from it. I think a lot people who are in love w/ the zombie genre feel that running zombies are not real zombies. I don't really know, but the 28 [Days|Weeks] Later movies get around that nicely by making this a virus and blah blah blah...

Anyway, the first thing to note from 28 Weeks later is that kids suck. Seriously, those damn kids cause everything that happens. I can't imagine a better theme for a poster about birth control. These damn kids break the rules, act like friggin' jackasses, revive the plague, then the stupid military cuts them a lot of slack, and then... Well, I won't completely ruin the movie if someone out there hasn't seen it, but lemme just say, those kids screw EVERYTHING up!

Anyway, back to my point... The "Zombie Plan": it's a well known fact that most (maybe all?) guys know that they have to have an updated Zombie Plan. Guys aren't the only ones who can have these plans. Ladies, you can have them too, but guys take the responsibility very seriously because it's a requirement for us.

Now, what is a Zombie Plan? Well, I shouldn't have to tell guys this, but just in case someone missed the memo, this is the plan you must have that tells you how to survive after an outbreak of zombitis. What would you do if you woke up and your neighbor tried to eat your face? What would you do if you looked out your window and the streets were full screamers and chasers? What... would... you... do... if you heard your neighbor knocking on your door and when you looked through the peephole you saw he was knocking with his bloody, contorted face and drooling w/ a vacant look in his eyes? You need to have a plan because if you wait until this happens, your dog-meat buddy... game over! All guys know that these zombie movies are critical to prompt us to come up with and then continuously refine our Zombie Plans. Without them, we're done. So, if you have a boyfriend, go ahead and ask him. If he doesn't have one of these plans, you may want to trade up... My email is at the top of the page. ;) If you're a guy who doesn't have a plan, make one... NOW!

Zombie Plans are really important. I actually tried to make mine a specialized version of a more general apocalypse plan (that is, a plan that I could follow in the case of catastrophic civil unrest or nuclear holocaust, etc.). It turns out, however, that I really just have a Zombie Plan. This plan falls apart when the zombies aren't brain-dead, but that's OK.

My Plan:
Here's what you need to do, get a bead on your local supermarket, and be sure that you're the first one in there. Other shoppers will be there already, so show some backbone and take the alpha position in your new pack. Why a supermarket? Think about it, you will NEVER run out of food, and there's only ever 1 point to secure in a supermarket (against zombies anyway); those glass front windows. Other than that the only other access is usually the loading dock, which is basically a big (read: securable) door that is 5-6 feet off the ground. Zombies can't jump, and so they can't get that door, but even if they can get up there (stairs or whatever), those doors are always big and tough. As for the front, those big glass windows are a bit disconcerting, but they always start about 4 feet off the ground, and so zombies can only bang on them w/ their hands. Moreover, most stores have all of their shopping carts stacked up there, so you can't even GET to the windows if you're a brain-dead zombie. So, you see, you can holdup in a super market pretty much indefinitely. But wait, there's more, your typical supermarket has an upstairs that has very limited access (for the management). You sleep up there in case there is a perimeter failure. Then, there are usually windows that look over the main floor (early warning), and THEN, you have this really huge, flat roof. You go up there and watch the increasingly infrequent military helicopter flybys. You write your obligatory "Please Help Us" message, and you make friends with people that are barricaded in nearby apartments (until they get desperate and try to run over to your supermarket for food).

This brings me to the next point: Do NOT be weak here! If you let those scabs in, the zombies will get you! I don't care how careful you are, or even if you have Ving Rhames with you... They will get in! Let those losers die, they should have had a better Zombie Plan! And one other thing... You're in a super market! You can live there for a really long time... Don't decide to make a run for it... For the love of God, don't be stupid. Wait it out. Well, I'LL be waiting it out. If you punk out and get eaten, I'll be sure to toast you after my clan survive and I. ;)

OK OK OK, so, what's the point? Is this just stupid guy stuff? Hell NO! Check this out! Yeah, this shit could happen. Now get to it! :-P

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 06:36:18 PST

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