Religion in School (Again)?

Well, creationism and intelligent design (or ID) are nothing new anymore. People have debated it, children have been forced to learn it, hell, some of us have even

*sigh*

That's friggin' great. Well, sometimes you gotta turn into the storm, so here we go... Is science all worng? Should we be turning to religion? Surprisingly, there's some pretty compelling *cough* bullshit *cough* evidence to say, "...and where the hell was I?" err, "yes."

This weekend I was talking to a friend, and this idea hit me like a lightning bolt (God?). It occured to me that maybe these ID douche bags have opened up a door that we can use too. Let's take a look at what religion has been trying to teach us dumb scientists for (literally) thousands of years:

• Cosmology:
  I'm a physicist by training (well, I have an undergraduate degree in the carp), and I'm familiar with the theories surrounding the fate of the universe. Consider this, in the Closed Universe theory, the universe cycles between a massive creation phase (the Big Bang), our current phase, and then a big crunch phase before we start all over. Now, I know those damned physicists are already trying to find a new cosmological model (big rips, and big worms, heat stroke, etc.), but let's stick w/ the closed universe for a second... You know who else figgured this out (without fancy math or science I might add)?!?!

  That's right, Hinduism! Think about it, in their model, the big bang gets marshaled by Brahma, we get Vishnu today, and tomorrow (my favorite god) Siva comes and kix all our asses! Don't you see! The Hindus figured this all out a long time ago! You may want to place your bets, and Hinduism is an early favorite.
  

  
• Sociology:
  Sociology is full of studies and theories, and well, hell as I understand (re: thanks South Park) Scientology, aren't they just talking about Austrialia? Isn't Earth supposed to be a prison colony or something? I guess this one doesn't count because L. Ron Hubbard already knew about Austrailia when he was... enlightened? But hey, the Xenu thing is a pretty kewl analogy for King George III.

  Now, would I say this shiznit is a better bet than our current front runner (Hinduism)? Hell no! The King George analogy ain't that funny...
  

  
• Physics:
  In Physics, everything is made of energy and it just gets converted into stuff like people and sandwiches and rocks and this kid. You could, rightly, look at the universe as a giant pool of energy that's just in various forms. Buddhism has a lot of flavors, but they all share some themes. One theme is striving for enlightenment. Some common teachings are that we are all part of one big consciousness and that we just need to realize it (like bubbles in a lake).

  Do I buy this? Well, lakes are pretty cool, and who doesn't like bubbles... I still like Hinduism to take it at this point though.
  

  
• Cosmology:
  Yeah, I can do this one twice, because physicists don't agree on what model our universe follows, and religious nuts don't agree on how many gods we have and what they all look like! If the the universe is Open (continuously expanding), then it would pay to bet heavy on the Christians. Their fire and brimstone end-of-days carp might be right in line with the Big Rip theory that shit's gunna get all torn up at the end.
  

So you see; you need to be careful what you wish for! Some of us scientists can be vindictive, and we'll screw your kids up if you screw ours up! We have ways of twisting things around about which religion says what about what and even you won't know which way is up! We'll get kids questioning your voodoo with other religious rhetoric and they won't have any marketable knowledge OR the ability to think for themselves. Back off!

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:48:39 PST

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