Middle Earth Day is Lame

Look I love the Earth. As the Tick once said, "That's where I keep all my stuff~" But what I don't love is hippies... Hobbit hippies in particular. So, today, I refuse to celebrate Middle Earth Day...

Stupid hobbits!

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:58:34 PDT

< Comments >

SNL: Phelps Gem

I've decided to add a new segment to my stagnant blog: SNL Gems!

On this first installment, I just had to be sure to hit 2 birds w/ one stone:

1. Hulu.com is fantastic, that is, it's a totally awesome service. You get to watch TV shows for free! Now, the reason this is better than TV + TiVo (or at least in the same league as having both) is it's free, you can watch things at any time, and if you're suffering w/ Crapcast and using TiVo IR emitters that cause u to frequently record the wrong channel (b/c Crapcast refuses to give you cable boxes w/ serial ports on the back anymore because they're evil and lame and stoopud and... u get the idea) , then you may need an alternative. Hulu does make you watch commercials, but there are generally fewer of them than TV, and they're only 15-30 seconds! As a free service I give Hulu top marks!
2. And, of course, the gem itself. For those living under a rock (or grad students) maybe you don't know that Michael Phelps just got caught smokin' a bong... If you're really bad, maybe you don't know who Michael Phelps is. If the case is the latter, stop reading this and go buy yourself a TV immediately. Anyway, I really don't like Phelps for a bunch of reasons, but even so, I think the media "outrage" over this is a little overblown. And w/ that, I give you SNL's gem, please to enjoy:
   

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 09:53:08 PST

< Comments >

The Crappening

M Night Shymalamadingdong's the Crappening came out this weekend...

Spoiler alert... It sucked.

Details... It really sucked!

Here's the deal, M. Night, you're movies are getting really lame. The "twist" here was dumb. The plants huh? Communicating with each other? No way to defend themselves? Magical psychic pollen? What the hell is wrong with you?!?

In retaliation for your incredibly preachy and (frankly) boring movie, I'm going to go cut down 12 trees... Why 12? Maybe there's some hidden meaning... maybe the number 12 represents the number of beatings I'm going to throw your way for being so damned stuck on yourself... Maybe we'll never know. Or maybe in the last scene of my movie, I ring your doorbell, and you open it, and then I introduce you to my size 12 workboots... Now that's a twist. Douche bag...

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 10:44:46 PDT

< Comments >

The Netfighter is hilarious!

OK, short and sweet... There's this YouTube knockoff called

Apparently it's only part 1 of 2, so lets hope part 2 gets here soon and it doesn't have any lameass training scenes. ;)

Thu, 01 May 2008 14:24:50 PDT

< Comments >

Why Only Twice?

I just caught

Let me start off by asking you, does anyone NOT know the rules about urinals? I'm assuming only the very few ladies who read my carp are raising their hands. There shouldn't be any guys out there who are confused on this one. If there are, let me encourage you to take a trip to New Zealand. It seems like the Kiwi's know how to properly educate y'all! ;)

Basically, this article reports how some dude came into the pisser and started ogling another dude's junk... You just don't do that! Hell, there are really well defined and well known rules here! Is there really any dude out there who doesn't know urinal etiquette? The ogler got punched in the face twice, and it just made me wonder, isn't it, "three times' a charm?" ;)

Even pretending that this was an innocent mistake is bull! There are instructive games out there that will help train people, so no one has an excuse. If you ask me, that weirdo didn't get what he deserved, he got about half of it. I think if this had happened in Brooklyn the cops would have found a few pieces of the dude scattered around the bathroom. I say good work punchy, I got yer back! ;)

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 11:56:47 PST

< Comments >

Ode to Valentine's Day

It's here again... I've got nuthin clever to say.

Maybe I can take some solace in knowing that after today, those damned Kay's and Jarred commercials will be gone again... Or maybe tomorrow I'll find out they're still around and finally go over the edge...

Nah, me and m' dawg are just gunna boycott again, not dramatics... ;)

PS - Thnx to Mohammad Ali for knockin' that little turd right out!

PPS - Still waitin' for hate mail. ;)

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:31:21 PST

< Comments >

Your Boyfriend Has A Zombie Plan

I just got around to seeing that movie, 28 weeks later and I took a number of lessons from it. I think a lot people who are in love w/ the zombie genre feel that running zombies are not real zombies. I don't really know, but the 28 [Days|Weeks] Later movies get around that nicely by making this a virus and blah blah blah...

Anyway, the first thing to note from 28 Weeks later is that kids suck. Seriously, those damn kids cause everything that happens. I can't imagine a better theme for a poster about birth control. These damn kids break the rules, act like friggin' jackasses, revive the plague, then the stupid military cuts them a lot of slack, and then... Well, I won't completely ruin the movie if someone out there hasn't seen it, but lemme just say, those kids screw EVERYTHING up!

Anyway, back to my point... The "Zombie Plan": it's a well known fact that most (maybe all?) guys know that they have to have an updated Zombie Plan. Guys aren't the only ones who can have these plans. Ladies, you can have them too, but guys take the responsibility very seriously because it's a requirement for us.

Now, what is a Zombie Plan? Well, I shouldn't have to tell guys this, but just in case someone missed the memo, this is the plan you must have that tells you how to survive after an outbreak of zombitis. What would you do if you woke up and your neighbor tried to eat your face? What would you do if you looked out your window and the streets were full screamers and chasers? What... would... you... do... if you heard your neighbor knocking on your door and when you looked through the peephole you saw he was knocking with his bloody, contorted face and drooling w/ a vacant look in his eyes? You need to have a plan because if you wait until this happens, your dog-meat buddy... game over! All guys know that these zombie movies are critical to prompt us to come up with and then continuously refine our Zombie Plans. Without them, we're done. So, if you have a boyfriend, go ahead and ask him. If he doesn't have one of these plans, you may want to trade up... My email is at the top of the page. ;) If you're a guy who doesn't have a plan, make one... NOW!

Zombie Plans are really important. I actually tried to make mine a specialized version of a more general apocalypse plan (that is, a plan that I could follow in the case of catastrophic civil unrest or nuclear holocaust, etc.). It turns out, however, that I really just have a Zombie Plan. This plan falls apart when the zombies aren't brain-dead, but that's OK.

My Plan:
Here's what you need to do, get a bead on your local supermarket, and be sure that you're the first one in there. Other shoppers will be there already, so show some backbone and take the alpha position in your new pack. Why a supermarket? Think about it, you will NEVER run out of food, and there's only ever 1 point to secure in a supermarket (against zombies anyway); those glass front windows. Other than that the only other access is usually the loading dock, which is basically a big (read: securable) door that is 5-6 feet off the ground. Zombies can't jump, and so they can't get that door, but even if they can get up there (stairs or whatever), those doors are always big and tough. As for the front, those big glass windows are a bit disconcerting, but they always start about 4 feet off the ground, and so zombies can only bang on them w/ their hands. Moreover, most stores have all of their shopping carts stacked up there, so you can't even GET to the windows if you're a brain-dead zombie. So, you see, you can holdup in a super market pretty much indefinitely. But wait, there's more, your typical supermarket has an upstairs that has very limited access (for the management). You sleep up there in case there is a perimeter failure. Then, there are usually windows that look over the main floor (early warning), and THEN, you have this really huge, flat roof. You go up there and watch the increasingly infrequent military helicopter flybys. You write your obligatory "Please Help Us" message, and you make friends with people that are barricaded in nearby apartments (until they get desperate and try to run over to your supermarket for food).

This brings me to the next point: Do NOT be weak here! If you let those scabs in, the zombies will get you! I don't care how careful you are, or even if you have Ving Rhames with you... They will get in! Let those losers die, they should have had a better Zombie Plan! And one other thing... You're in a super market! You can live there for a really long time... Don't decide to make a run for it... For the love of God, don't be stupid. Wait it out. Well, I'LL be waiting it out. If you punk out and get eaten, I'll be sure to toast you after my clan survive and I. ;)

OK OK OK, so, what's the point? Is this just stupid guy stuff? Hell NO! Check this out! Yeah, this shit could happen. Now get to it! :-P

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 06:36:18 PST

< Comments >

BSG Redux?

BSG Redux?

We all saw it, that big bad beautiful Battlestar ramped up and jumped the shark last season. 4, or maybe 5 (it depends on Starbuck I guess), of our main characters "turned out" to be the "final five" Cylons. It still pisses me off. Hell, Colonel Tigh served in the first war, before there were skin jobs...

*focus Eric, focus*

OK, anyway, I watched the latest BSG movie, Razor and it was actually pretty good. I haven't had a chance to see the unedited version (we can only hope there are more "unedited" Tricia Helfer scenes in there), but it was back to the good old grit that BSG had at the beginning. I don't know if their plan was to lure us back after pissing off most of the fanbase w/ that final 5 carp, but it may have worked out that way.

We start off w/ pre-fat-suit Apollo getting command of the Pegasus and some flashbacks about Adama in the first war. There's a nice single-serving bad guy to hunt down (no spoiler here) that ties Apollo's command to Adama's flashback. *Yawn* Pretty lame. But, it gets good when we flash back to how the Pegasus got away, and their story.

The Pegasus was commanded by Admiral Kane. She was a tough chick that used to be pretty hot, but isn't now. In Razor, we find out that she likes other chicks... That's always kinda kewl, but I'm still not really interested at this point. BUT her girlfriend was Tricia Helfer... Now THAT'S what I'm talking about! :-P In addition to the hottie and the oldness, Razor had this smokin' hot little Australian chick (Stephanie Chaves-Jacobsen) who starts off all lame and star-struck when she boards the Pegasus, and turns into an absolute badass by the time the flashbacks catch up to "modern day" Pegasus. Damn, she's hot and a badass? I always thought that was too much to hope for! I was really bummed at the end though... They made sure we don't get to see anymore of her. Why they gotta hate like that? :(

In addition, Razor had a bunch of badly needed action scenes. It was a damned pleasure to watch some ass-kickin' combat because (as we all know) some/most of the BSG epi's were... how you say... a little light on action? The Pegasus escape is kicked off by a surprise attack, and we get to see some pretty awesome combat... Friggin' Battlestars getting Pwnd, strafing runs by raiders, lots of explosions, people getting stranded on a space-station because they were too friggin' slow to get back on board the Pegasus... "No no... please don't leave me because I'm a lame slow piece of carp... arrrgggghhhh..." More please! Then we get to see some ass kickin', guerrilla style, as the Pegasus just goes balls out against the Cylons! It's not wall to wall, but I thought it was pretty frackin' awesome. Admiral Kane may not be hot, but she has balls of steel! We finally get to see how shit went down when she went all section-8 and capped her own XO! Good stuff lady, you're all aces in my book.

Anyway, the point is, maybe the writers have stopped smoking crack and are back on their meds? Or maybe they're all on strike and there are some scabs that are actually writing better than them? Ah, who am I kidding, this was prolly written months ago before those stupid leech-writers decided that they were entitled to more than the should be, and started pitching hissy fits!

It's funny how things turn out. Now that I'm advocating that people watch BSG again, and am actually looking forward to it myself, I may have to hunt down and bludgeon some of these writers if they cause any more delays in the premier of BSG... You know, set some examples? ;) Of course, I must be kidding because I would never advocate violence against any of the FSM's special little creatures, right?

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 10:35:51 PST

< Comments >

I'm Getting Indexed by Technorati

I'm finally getting indexed by Technorati. Apparently I've been under review for about a year. I know that I'm worth the time. ;)

Here's the link that makes it all possible: Technorati Profile

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 18:39:00 PST

< Comments >

Religion in School (Again)?

Well, creationism and intelligent design (or ID) are nothing new anymore. People have debated it, children have been forced to learn it, hell, some of us have even

*sigh*

That's friggin' great. Well, sometimes you gotta turn into the storm, so here we go... Is science all worng? Should we be turning to religion? Surprisingly, there's some pretty compelling *cough* bullshit *cough* evidence to say, "...and where the hell was I?" err, "yes."

This weekend I was talking to a friend, and this idea hit me like a lightning bolt (God?). It occured to me that maybe these ID douche bags have opened up a door that we can use too. Let's take a look at what religion has been trying to teach us dumb scientists for (literally) thousands of years:

• Cosmology:
  I'm a physicist by training (well, I have an undergraduate degree in the carp), and I'm familiar with the theories surrounding the fate of the universe. Consider this, in the Closed Universe theory, the universe cycles between a massive creation phase (the Big Bang), our current phase, and then a big crunch phase before we start all over. Now, I know those damned physicists are already trying to find a new cosmological model (big rips, and big worms, heat stroke, etc.), but let's stick w/ the closed universe for a second... You know who else figgured this out (without fancy math or science I might add)?!?!

  That's right, Hinduism! Think about it, in their model, the big bang gets marshaled by Brahma, we get Vishnu today, and tomorrow (my favorite god) Siva comes and kix all our asses! Don't you see! The Hindus figured this all out a long time ago! You may want to place your bets, and Hinduism is an early favorite.
  

  
• Sociology:
  Sociology is full of studies and theories, and well, hell as I understand (re: thanks South Park) Scientology, aren't they just talking about Austrialia? Isn't Earth supposed to be a prison colony or something? I guess this one doesn't count because L. Ron Hubbard already knew about Austrailia when he was... enlightened? But hey, the Xenu thing is a pretty kewl analogy for King George III.

  Now, would I say this shiznit is a better bet than our current front runner (Hinduism)? Hell no! The King George analogy ain't that funny...
  

  
• Physics:
  In Physics, everything is made of energy and it just gets converted into stuff like people and sandwiches and rocks and this kid. You could, rightly, look at the universe as a giant pool of energy that's just in various forms. Buddhism has a lot of flavors, but they all share some themes. One theme is striving for enlightenment. Some common teachings are that we are all part of one big consciousness and that we just need to realize it (like bubbles in a lake).

  Do I buy this? Well, lakes are pretty cool, and who doesn't like bubbles... I still like Hinduism to take it at this point though.
  

  
• Cosmology:
  Yeah, I can do this one twice, because physicists don't agree on what model our universe follows, and religious nuts don't agree on how many gods we have and what they all look like! If the the universe is Open (continuously expanding), then it would pay to bet heavy on the Christians. Their fire and brimstone end-of-days carp might be right in line with the Big Rip theory that shit's gunna get all torn up at the end.
  

So you see; you need to be careful what you wish for! Some of us scientists can be vindictive, and we'll screw your kids up if you screw ours up! We have ways of twisting things around about which religion says what about what and even you won't know which way is up! We'll get kids questioning your voodoo with other religious rhetoric and they won't have any marketable knowledge OR the ability to think for themselves. Back off!

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:48:39 PST

< Comments >

Every Krap Begins With Kay

It's that time of year again... The holidays are here and the airwaves are flooded with those damned Kay Jewelers commercials: "Every [Krap] begins with Kay..."

Am I the only one who finds these commercials repulsive and insulting? They show some emasculated egg-shaped weevil getting all giddy and proffering up his manhood to his wife. Why?!? Look, I have no problem with men treating women right (hell, I have a problem with men who DON'T treat women right), but this is pathetic. I'm not sure who's the woman in these commercials.

This season is as bad as all the others, but one spot has caught my eye. There's a new spot where the "guy" keeps peeking at his lame little present until his wife walks in on him. You know... What's wrong with this picture. I hope dough-boy got himself a little pearl necklace or something too. Talk about a gender reversal, I'll bet if they panned back you'd see that douche bag was wearing his wife's pumps and fishnet stockings.

Kay, you've been pissing me off for years. If you want men (not just effeminate douche bags) to bite on your crap, you need to show a couple of guys who can treat their women right without turning into women... Come on!

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 13:20:39 PST

< Comments >

People Who Don't Like Blogging Suck!

I recently saw this

For those of you who don't want to be bothered w/ douche bags, let me summarize: this tool basically thinks that blogging posts are, "not worth the bytes they take up." I suppose irony is lost on this imbecile, as he said this on a friggin' blog!

lol... Hey captain stupid! You shouldn't drill holes in a ship's hull if you're on the friggin' ship. I won't belabor this point any further, except to say that stupid people suck! Can I get an amen?

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:19:58 PDT

< Comments >

Separated at Birth?

I can't take it anymore. I've been living with this secret for far too long. I've used the massive computing power that I have access to, here at Blahdot (my diesel, but aging laptop), to confirm what everyone must already suspect. Yes, through the power of complicated technical carp-analysis, I have confirmed that Laura Bush is, in fact, the Joker's sister! You can see a compelling side-by-side comparison in the attached image. If I'm not assassinated by the secret service in the coming days, maybe I'll be able to produce more detailed findings...

Stay tuned, and pray that the Batman can help...

Wed, 02 May 2007 09:54:33 PDT

< Comments >

Star Wars: An Allegory for Graduate School

The Star Wars movies are great. I wouldn't spend a week sleeping on-line for tickets, but they tell a really kewl story (though the first 2 did suck pretty hard I guess).

Recently, I realized that as good as George Lucas is at creating a really compelling story, and as good as he is at directing and producing, and as good as he is at running a badass special effects outfit, he's much better at using symbolism. Yeah, as I was toiling away in my own grad school hell, I realized THAT's what George was writing about! All of those characters, and battles, etc. They all describe the hell that is... Graduate School!

OK, OK, OK, I'm sure you're all getting ready to close the browser, but I've detailed The Star Wars Allegory and the analysis is sound!

Check it out, and as usual, let me know what you think...

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 08:51:03 PDT

< Comments >

BSG Bites the Dust, and HARD

So, it's been almost a week, and I've had time to consider what's happened. I think it goes w/o saying that any real fan of BSG is now asking themselves the same question: "What the hell happened, and who the hell can I kill over this retarded plot direction?!?!"

I just can't imagine what the hell those damn writers have been thinking! OK, let's just go over the retarded state of the union:

• Starbuck decides that a nose dive into a planet is the best way to show mommy that she really was a good girl. This, incidentally leaves the number of (active) main characters at between 10 and 15.
• Baltar manages to get exonerated for the shit he's done (I guess this isn't such a big deal to me).
• Apollo turns in his wings to be a lawyer... Uhh... OK, random/lame plot twist, but I can dig it.
• Starbuck magically shows back up and seems just fine? Well, maybe this is one of those lame "figment" characters that really only exists in Apollo's head. That would be retarded, but I can only imagine (in a bad way) how else they magically brought her butchy-ass back from the dead.
• AND <drum roll> Colonel Tigh, Mr. Starbuck (the futuristic water polo player), the Presidents aid, and chief Tyrol are all members of the final-five?!?!?!</drum roll> WHAT?!?!?! This means that roughly 1/3 (4 out of ~15) of the main characters are really Cylons!

OMFG! OK, this is soooo stuuuuuuuupid that I can barely take it. What is WRONG with these writers?!?! The main characters keep getting killed/defilled/etc... I can respect trying to surprise the audience (us), and not every twist needs to be a crowd pleaser, but dammit! Now the writers have completely painted themselves into a corner because some of the best characters are either dead or worse (Cylons)!

On top of how stupid this all is, Colonel Tigh doesn't even make sense as a friggin' Cylon! In the first war (according to their own story line) the Cylons had: been built, lived, and fought from the same planets as the humans... There were no "skin-jobs" that looked like people. Colonel Tigh fought in the first war... He could not have been a Cylon. My only guess is that they'll try to explain how either: 1) he was kidnapped, and replaced, or 2) the Cylon's magically had secret skin-jobs way back when... Either way... BSG really pissed me off!

Dammit... I'll bet the shark they just jumped over was really a Cylon shark that was also part of the final-five. I think my favorite show since Dragonball Z has just ended its own life. :( I am not planning to *sniff* watch it anymore. Unless I hear a teaser that somehow undoes this travesty (which I currently think is impossible) I have to say this: "You bastards were doing such a great job that it makes it much MORE painful to see what you've done to the FORMERLY greatest show on television!"

You killed Kenny, You bastards!

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 09:38:29 PDT

< Comments >

<Current Stories | Previous Stories>