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From: tequalizer@hotmail.com
Newsgroups: alt.psychology,alt.psychology.person,alt.psychology.person,alt.psychology.personality,alt.psychology.psychoanalysis,alt.psychology,help
Subject: Affecting personality?
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Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 22:42:51 GMT
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Xref: news.cs.ucla.edu alt.psychology:4669 alt.psychology.personality:2573 alt.psychology.psychoanalysis:138 help:31777

I'd be quite thankful if I got some response from trained
professionals regarding the personality development of this particular
person and in which way it was caused due to circumstances etc.
We're dealing with a person whose parents moved from Middle Europe to
North and left pretty much the family behind. He got a 4 year older
sister which was quite anxious as a child but reacted in a hostile way
when dealing troubled emotions, had trouble dealing with other kids,
being scared for them and hostile when feeling bad by her parents. Her
father didn't pay much attention to her and already at age 5 he
declared " that no one would stand her personality". Her mother
engaged herself but had little understanding when the sister acted
hostile in threating situations and could be quite rough, otherwise
she engaged herself and could be very helpful regarding material
stuff. (At high school the sister improved though).
Now we come to the person this thing really deals with,
on the contrary to his sister this person was very open and often
glad, being very eager to please other persons since he couldn't stand
conflicts and gained popularity in the family that way. His father
that didn't pay much attention to his sister now got overly emotional
with this sensitive child and regarded him as a favorite. (He already
had two daughters from a previous marriage, one being the favourite
and the other one got much less attention).
This boy was very over-protected by his father and wasn't supposed to
do anything slighthly dangerous that kids normally do without his
fathers great disapproval. His fathers view of this boy was that he
should be "protected" and rather not have any contrary opinions of his
own. So this father treated him pretty much like a 3 year old during
all time even at age 8 and never confronted a "reality" when this boy
actually grow into a personality dealing with things of his own.
His mother by the way was very keen on this boy too but could be
pretty demanding regarding his "achievement-skills" which she often
pointed out as a role-model to his sister that wasn't so eager to be
helpful and be smooth regarding confrontations. This boy got
pretty used with getting compliments and at times he didn't get them
or even got criticism he could start to cry easily. Otherwise he had a
lot of prospering interests like books,  role-playing etc and wasn't
very shy at all but said exactly what was on his mind. (He didn't
think much about the motives and thought patterns of other people
though, he was quite content doing his own stuff.)
At age 9-10 his behaviour started to change, he become introvert and
avoided other people. In situations that he didn't feel comfortable
with he often just earlier ran away to his parents. Now instead he
gradually become shy and suspicious. Note that this boy lived in a
quite peaceful & closed village environment with just quite a few
children that he dealt with first at age 5-6. In school however there
were a lot of children from poorer parts of town, being used to social
skills at age 2-3 while this boy didn't actually think much of other
people as long as they were nice. When they weren't though he had
little ability to comprehend their motives and age 12-13 he was quite
isolated and had a feeling "everyboody looked down at him and planned
something nasty". At the time his parents marriage was really in a
lousy shape, probably there were never much love or affection from his
father to his mother although she couldn't seem to believe that but
now it was really obvious it was bad. At time 8-13 his father insisted
on that this boy would sleep in his bed (no actual incest though)
since they got split beds during the marrigal turmoil and this boy
didn't stop doing that until his sister frequently commented that "it
wasn't what people do." First at that time he started to feel
uncomfortable doing that and slept alone in his own bed. Now this boy
was incredibly scared from school and felt other people thinking he
was so very different and his stomach hurt everytime he went to
school. He very rarely spoke and when he did his face was very serious
and pretty much of  a poker-face, trying to hide his fear as much as
possible. 
But when he came home he started to speak normally and quite freely.
What's important is that his opinions at home were never taken
seriously when they were not positively received. That dealt
especially with his father that couldn't accept opinions that differed
from a little child where he could be the great father and protector.
Such things always lead to "Oh, your stupid sister have talked you
into that rubbish. Damn her!" Or it could also be his "stupid mothers"
fault and he could just leave to start an argument with her instead of
discussing it further with the son. In school the boy were extremely
anxious and afraid but didn't speak about it at home much, probably
cause he wanted to feel the plain safety at home. Perhaps also that he
had witnessed how hostile his mother could be when his sister were
unsecure. At times his sister pointed out that he also was insecure in
school the mother always said: "Don't try to put your own problems on
someone else, he is doing just fine."

At 14-15 he had 1-2 friends but stopped seeing them since he felt so
incredibly uncomfortable with himself and felt somehow ugly &
ridiculous in their company. When meeting people he always felt really
uncomfortable simply concentrating on what they thought of him rather
than what he though about them. 
At that time his father retired and now did absolutely nothing than
were at him, he never succeeded to build a social network by his own
in the new country but blamed this on his wife, being uncapable of
admitting own mistakes, everything is just others' fault. From now on
he admitted that his son was his greatest interest always waking him
up in the morning by kissing him at the neck, singing "rise little
boy" and making breakfast to him, driving him to school etc. At a
couple of times he wanted the boy (at 17 years old) to sit in his
knee. The boy did school well but otherwise was a completely social
failure, he hardly spoke to his fellow class mates and was all alone
during several years. At the time his emotional development kind of
stopped and he couldn't feel warmth  or love, dismissing it as
"nothing to care about". During the time he was constanly anxious to
some evil future, feeling that no one would like him. Dismissing a
therapist at 17 since he didn't wanna show what a ridicolus person he
was and get it confirmed by someone at the outside.
Of course such non-responsive behaviour were considered odd in school
and people could harass him, he always over-reacted though and thought
that they might kill him later on or plan something very nasty.
It seems as he dealt with it as dividing his life into completely two
worlds, the one at home when he felt fairly safe and could do his
homework too... and one in school, outside the home which caused
anguish (which he hid) hoping that some day he'd ever be forced to go
somewhere he didn't like. He never considering dropping school though
since his fairly good grades was his only pride and was scared of
being worthless if he skipped school. There's much more to be said
about this boy but recently his father left the country being slightly
paranoid hurting his wife quite a bit. He's 23 years old now and has
managed to live alone for 4 years neglecting the social part but being
depressed all the time. During the last years he had started to get
anguish attacks and feel anxious all the time not being able to
concentrate at intellectual work nor enjoyment feeling afraid of the
future. He says that he can't stand being alone and that it makes his
mind go really weird but at the same time he avoid people being afraid
of being rejected or just feeling bad and ugly not getting the
attention he need. He had tried therapy once but he's way too anxious
and uncapable of relaxing to actually listen... plus recently he has
got those thoughts he can't go and get psych help since he won't be
able to relax and just ramble without feeling no connection to the
person, being dead scared he will be labeled insane and be locked in.
Sedatives actually fight the anguish but instead make him so dull &
umotivated he doesn't receive therapy. During the last year he have
got this idea drugs will help him and he has experimented and OD twice
being safe at hospital. I'm worried about him.
But he seem quite bad at trust, he can talk like "I don't wanna go to
a therapist cause this person must love me in order for me to feel
comfortable and I know the person won't do that."
He also condemn himself for being so unsure of himself and so
ego-weak.

I'd appreciate some feedback of what can has caused such a personal
change (up to 8-9 years old there were no problem with him) and also
what I can do in order to help him. He has been quite isolated for a
while so he has a hard time to emotionally connect to people as i
think he's dead scared of intimacy.

P.S. Excuse my poor English and thanks for your time.